“Good afternoon, and welcome to your Jetstar website, where booking is painful and guilt inducing. Please refer to the selection of flights we have for you – note that flying anywhere outwith the hours that Gremlins are traditionally active is very, very expensive.
Ooh, the 16:10? Good choice. Gooooooooood choice. Nice, mid-cost flight. Let’s see if we can change that, shall we?
Now, I’m presuming that you would like to store a large elephant in our hold, so I’m going to go ahead and charge you for that… I’m sorry, what? No elephant? Well, that’s very unusual. Are you sure? I’ve gone ahead and added $12.95 to your invoice for elephant travel, and I’d rather not remove it. What, you’re going to insist? Sigh. OK. Look for the small, greyed out button. It says something about carry-on baggage only. You cheapskate. There we go. Back to $149.
How about travel insurance? This is Melbourne you’re going to, after all. Terrible, third world healthcare in Melbourne. And at a mere $14, we’re so confident that you’ll love this deal that we’ve gone ahead and charged you for it already. What? NO ELEPHANT AND NOW NO TRAVEL INSURANCE? Geez. Believe in living on the edge, don’t you? OK, OK. It’s gone.
Mutter mutter. S’pose there’s no point in even asking if you want to pre-purchase a really, really horrible toastie for the flight. You’d probably rather STARVE for the 1.5 hours, you penny-pincher.
But there’s no way you’re passing up this option – choose your seat! Only $10! Wha… what are you doing? You clicked the ‘assign random seat’ button! Wait, don’t you know (and I’d better make it clear in an extra little pop up box) that this means you’ll be assigned a RANDOM SEAT from the seat dregs left over at time of check-in? Are you kidding me? You’re willing to risk having a centre seat for over an hour?
At least tell me you’re going to offset your carbon emissions. Ah, gotcha. Everyone clicks that one. Seventy eight cents worth of guilt reduction.
And what would you like your contribution to StarKids to be? Oh. My. God. Really nothing? Beelzebub is surely sharpening a special pitchfork for you. Look at the cute pictures, for heaven’s sake! Kids! Hope! Smiles! Do you have a brick for a heart?
Oh…..Kay. Payment. If you’d like to use any method that takes less than ten minutes to process we’ll charge you an extra $10. Huh. Might’ve known you’d go for the direct debit option. But I’m not worried. I’ve got a great plot for revenge. I’m going to take the money out of your account (snigger) and then (chortle) I’m going to flash up an error message and tell you to call the call centre!